Eshettar

Here I am.
Here I was.
Was I here?
Yes, I was.

Right, let's set the scene. It's nine o clock in the evening. Everyone is sitting on the couch in front of the TV. There are Richard, Brian and Jenny. Oh yeah, plus their babysitter too. Which is to say none other than yourself.

The phone rings.

"Scuse me for a moment, you guys. I'd better answer that." you say, leaning over. "Don't worry, I'll try to make it quick."

You pick up the phone but before so much as a syllable can pass your teeth, a man laughs hysterically and then hangs up on you.

"Huh. That was pretty weird." you say aloud.

"Who was it?" asks Richard who happens to overhear your remark.

"Ahhh, some nut. Nobody you need to worry about. So what did I miss?" you say as you face forward again.

At nine-thirty, the phone disturbs you for a second time.

You pick it up. "Uh-huh?"

"I'll be there soon." declares the same fellow who rang before, "Nnnnnhahahahahahaaaaaa!" He laughs and slams the phone down at his own end.

"Who was it?" ask the kids, looking away from the rather cliched horror movie playing out on the screen.

"Some guy who clearly leads a rich and fulfilling life." you reply.

About ten o clock, the phone rings again. You regard it with the same wariness one might look at a hissing rattlesnake for a moment before reaching to answer. Sure enough...

"One more hour!" says mystery man, "Mmmmwahahahaha!" Click.

"He said one more hour." stammers Jenny. "What...what did he mean?"

"It's okay. Just someone fooling around." you say.

"I'm scared." she whimpers, wrapping her arms around her knees and hugging them tightly.

At ten-thirty...

"Pretty soon now! Hahahahahaha!"

"Okay. This is getting real old, real fast. I'm not sure what kind of game you're playing but...you know what? I don't care either. There are kids here. So...KNOCK. IT. OFF." you growl before hanging up.

"Way to go! That's telling him!" cheer the kids who aren't really paying any attention to the movie by this point.

"Thank you, thank you. Always nice to be appreciated. Look, I'm going to call the operator and report this guy's ass. Better safe than sorry." You carry out this plan.

"Call me back if it happens again. I'll see if I can trace the call." the woman instructs.

It's eleven when the phone rings again and you pick it up.

"Very soon now! Nnnnnmwahahahahaaaaa!" the man guffaws.

"Laugh now loser." you drawl as you key the operator's number. "Don't you just love it when a plan comes together?"

She launches into action...

...and then calls back almost immediately with disturbing news to give you. "Oh my God! Listen to me, that person is calling from a phone upstairs in that house! Get the kids and go! I'll call the police! Go!"

You're still fumbling for your jaw when an unmistakable sound drifts into the room. The creak made by a door as it is opened stealthily. Abandoning the receiver, you rush out into the hall and look up just in time to see a man loom from out of the darkness at the top of the stairs. There's a moment in which the unknown intruder locks eyes with the person he's been talking to back and forth over the phone all night.

And breaks into a strange smile. "Heh heh heh...heh..." he cackles as he starts down the stairs toward you.

How do you respond, babysitter?

And the name of the game I should very much like to play with you all is "Guess who?"

Allow me to go over the rules before we begin. I go out of the room, knock on the door and say "Guess who?" which is your cue to give the matter some consideration. As soon as you hazard your opinion on who happens to be outside, I open the door and it's the moment of truth as we find out how well-founded your deduction was. Any questions? Nope? Then how about we get this party rolling. You know...I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm real excited about this one! So excited that I just can't hide it!

*goes outside and knocks on the door*

Guess who?

Let's say you go out into your back garden to give the flowers a thorough watering.

Outside are a bunch of men in sunglasses, leather pants and ripped denim waistcoats. These bad dudes with even worse tudes are leaning against their motorcycles and talking smack to one another as they knock back hooch. You ask if they wouldn't mind leaving your property since they clearly have no business here. They regard you for a moment and then look at each other again.

"Looks like this garden has a 'weed' problem. And the weed has a problem with us." one of them remarks.

"Maybe we should consult the head of our little company about the proper method of dealing with weeds." another suggests.

"What...you mean Animal?" a third biker says in a hushed whisper of awe.

The bikers lift their arms in the air and start chanting "Animal! Animal! Animal!" as they form a circle around you, leaving a narrow gap.

You watch in horror as a figure squeezes his way in like a bull trying to enter a chicken coop. It's a ten foot man with arms covered in rippling muscle. He's dressed in leather from head to toe. Literally. A mask covers his head with a hole for his snarling mouth. The bikers cheer as the indisputed leader of their gang prepares to do a spot of gardening.

The question is; what are you doing?

Okay, suppose you head down to the garden shed to put away some old golf clubs. But a surprise greets you when you near it. There are voices coming from the open door which you definitely remember having been shut last night. So you look in and see a bunch of delinquent kids smoking cigarettes and playing cards. You request that they leave your property. In response, they jeer, make rude noises at you and mimick what you just said in a taunting manner. One of them throws a stone which bounces against your ankle, causing it to throb painfully.

What would you do in this predicament?